Disability and Relationships: Nina Tames Story

In the beginning

I’ve been disabled my whole life but for most of it, I could keep my disability hidden unless you knew me intimately. I also thought my disability was a flaw, something that made me less than, and therefore I thought I deserved less than. It meant I put up with a lot of shocking behaviour from a lot of awful partners.

I have scars, a large lump on my back, and missing toes and I’m also incontinent. All things I feel completely neutral about now but that wasn’t always the case. From the age of 16-30, I had awful relationship after awful relationship including an abusive one for good measure. I’ve had partners who got huffy and cross because I had to change the sheets in the night. A partner who assured me he’d be there when I came round from surgery and then was nowhere in sight. I’ve had relationships where the situation of being poorly or in hospital was an inconvenience to them. Partners who would suddenly become ill when I was so I had to grit my teeth and take care of them instead. I had a lot of relationships where my disability was viewed as a burden and I didn’t even question it. My internalised ableism really did a number on me for years.

Not to toot my own trumpet but looking back now I was an absolute mega babe, yet I thought my disabledness cancelled that out. I never saw disability represented as anything but tragic and ugly when I was growing up, so I believed that too. I was so used to keeping my back and feet hidden, even in so-called loving relationships. I definitely held the belief that these partners were with me despite my disability and then I'd reason in my head that they had to put up with me being disabled so surely I should put up with their awful behaviour.

I started a counselling course when I was in my late 20's, our tutor told us at the beginning that people often lost relationships during their training the more they worked on themselves. She was right. I started the process of really getting to know myself and although I was still full of internalised ableism I began to have a better, kinder relationship with myself and in turn, had the courage to leave a very unhappy marriage.

2010 just before meeting Jase

Then along came Jase

I was single for a year, just me and my two small kids muddling through. I continued with my counselling training and continued to work on liking the parts of myself I had deemed unloveable. I met Jase on Twitter, back when twitter was small and nice. We were friends for a bit before awkwardly confessing that we liked each other.

Jason confused me so much because he was nice and consistent and open with his feelings. To make matters worse I remember when I came down with a nasty UTI, I told Jase not to come over. He insisted though and turned up with a bag of goodies and proceeded to take care of me. What a monster. The thing is though I was so used to partners finding my disability an inconvenience I really thought there must be a catch, or he was tricking me somehow. He wasn’t.

I found it so strange (sorry to my teenagers if they’ve somehow stumbled onto this) that when we’d be kissing and doing all the good stuff, Jase would tenderly stroke the lump on my back just like he’d tenderly stroke my arms. All my ex’s had avoided my scars and lumps and bumps. Jase was the first partner who didn't. Not in a mank fetishy way but in a totally neutral way. I felt comfortable going barefoot around him and having my missing toes out, in turn he would nonchalantly touch my feet in the same way he might touch any part of me. Admittedly it still makes me flinch at first, I guess when you're disabled so often your body is medicalised and the only people touching certain parts are doctors poking and prodding you. So to have someone touch these parts tenderly has taken some getting used to.

Even what I felt was my biggest darkest secret, my incontinence didn’t phase him. I kept it hidden for months. I’d wait till he fell asleep and then go to the bathroom and put a pad on. I never felt truly relaxed when he stayed over in case I had an accident in the night. I eventually worked up the courage to tell him and sent him what felt like an essay via email. He of course was completely cool and told me it was no big deal, because guess what? It isn’t a big deal.

Pair of babies in 2011

Disability isn’t a flaw

My mobility has decreased over the years and I now use a wheelchair full-time. The dynamics in our relationship have shifted because of that. We both work from home, Jase takes on the majority of the really physical household chores like taking the bins out and running the vacuum round (I can actually do it, but you’ve got to play the disabled card sometimes haven’t you!) I deal with the household admin for the now six of us and I am an excellent project manager!

This balance isn't exceptional, although people heap praise on him because he does the school run and hoovering. In relationships past I did all the housework and all the house admin. The fact Jase takes on most of the housework and I tackle the admin for all of us that's actually a way fairer balance.

My disability and the fact I use a wheelchair now has never impacted our relationship negatively. In fact, it’s the opposite, it’s brought us closer together. I’ve learned how to let someone take care of me as much as I take care of them. I’m not hiding any part of myself anymore (physically or emotionally) and when you show someone all the different parts of yourself and they love and respect all the different parts of you, well isn’t that just magic?

Disability isn’t a flaw within a relationship, it’s not a flaw full-stop. Yet strangers look at us with tilted heads and an ‘awww’ expression on their faces. 'Isn’t it a shame that she’s disabled? Isn’t he a hero for being with her?' It’s so frustrating because the presumptions are so different from the reality of our relationship. We’re interdependent, he takes care of me and I take care of him and without wishing to make you vomit we’re really good friends and still fancy the pants off each other too.

That's another thing, another presumption, that we're somehow leading a completely sexless life just because I'm a wheelchair user. I remember last year we were on a rare weekend away just the two of us no kids. What an absolute dream. It was nighttime in London I was tipsy, Jase was the designated driver (of me) pushing me around, both of us having the loveliest of times. People's faces though, the pity smiles directed at us. I wanted to say "Hey don't be sad we're child-free and off to a hotel for the night and he's gonna make my knees turn to jelly several times over". I didn't though obviously.

He loves me not despite or because of my disability. He just loves me and being disabled is a large part of who I am so of course he loves that too.

Photographer Ross Willsher Photography

Final thoughts

If you’re reading this and you’re disabled please please know that you’re not a burden. Your disability is not a flaw, it’s not a negative, and it doesn’t make you less than deserving of the exact love you are looking for. In fact, your disability is quite the prize and it’s an amazing ableist detector!

I want you to really know that because I entered every relationship thinking I was somehow less than just because I'm disabled and that's simply not true. Every single life has challenges and every relationship should involve the giving and receiving of care. Care within a relationship isn't burdensome either, some of our most intimate, lovely and sometimes hilarious moments have come from care. People who don't want that or aren't willing to give that, well they're not your people. As I said disability is a great ableism detector.

You're not a burden you're an absolute gift and don't let anyone make you feel otherwise.